In my head: We Will Rock You – Queen

I was all ready to post a long, self-indulgent, semi-self-deprecating, touchy-feely, get in touch with my inner self entry. In fact, I had most of it written, sitting here, just waiting to be put online for the world to see. 

But you’ll have to wait. I was watching TV, and found something that I haven’t watched in a long time. And it’s much more important than anything else I would have had to say. What is it you ask? What takes priority in your weblog over your deepest, innermost feelings that you just have to share with the world? I’ll tell you.

Professional wrestling, baby.

Let me tell you, some things have changed. I can remember watching wrestling when I was younger, and while some things are still the same as back then, there’s a whole lot more going on now. Not all of it for the better.

You have to understand, back when I watched on a regular basis, it was really the golden age of professional wrestling. There were several different federations. The AWA, NWA, of course the WWF, and several smaller ones. Back then, it was more cut and dry. You had your “good guys”, and you had your “bad guys”. There weren’t a lot of grey areas. Occasionally someone would switch over, but not very often. There were heroes. There were villains.

Now they all just sort of seem the same. Sure you have wrestlers you root for more than others, and wrestlers who break more rules, but they’re all from the same stock now.

And what the hell are wrestlers who were in the ring 15 years ago still doing wrestling? Some of them are in their 50s for Pete’s sake. I’m sorry, but they just can’t hack it next to some of the younger wrestlers. Let’s take Hulk… I mean, Hollywood Hogan for instance. Back in the 80’s, he was the reigning world champ. Now he’s just a washed up loser. And a “bad guy” to boot. I’m just assuming, because back in the day, the good guys didn’t gang up on someone and hold him down while hitting his spine with a hammer. So when the hell did that happen? And why? And come on, if you’re too old to be the champ anymore, don’t resort to lousy “the one you love to hate” tactics just because you didn’t have the foresight to save any of the money you made off of Suburban Commando – what’s the matter, no one calling you for film deals anymore? Maybe it’s because you have the same damn mustache that you did back when you kicked “Captain” Lou’s ass during the Rock N Wrestling Connection. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see the dark stubble that you’ve got to contrast your nice bleach blonde handlebars. I guess that’s why 1-800-COLLECT didn’t want you along with Mr. T, you’ve gone all radical. Too bad really. It would have been an improvement over this.

Then there’s the homoerotic tension. Now, it’s always been there, but after what I saw tonight, I’m fully convinced that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin really is a closet homosexual. He’s got Scott Hall, tied up and gagged, in a chair. He leans in, his face inches from Scott’s, and plays with Scott’s hair, almost longingly. Then he brings up the tire iron he’s holding, and slowly drags the end of it across Scott’s chin, and over his mouth. “Mind if I have a beer?” Steve asks. Scott is riveted, eyes locked with Steve’s. “No one screwswith Steve Austin.” He takes a swig of his beer. “You want one?” Gingerly, he places a beer on Scott’s shoulder.

It went on some more after that, but it was pretty much the same.

The crowning event of the evening though, was a move (though it looked more like a stunt to me) that apparently is called a Litacanrana. It goes something like this: Guy in the middle of the ring, being harrassed by some other guy. Lita climbs the ropes, and stands up on the corner turnbuckle. Guy in the middle turns around. Lita jumps off, feet first, wraps her feet around the guys neck – not her whole legs, mind you, just her feet – and literally swings around him, by her feet, from his neck, for almost 270 degrees. The force of this throws the guy to the ground, and she flips through the air and lands on her feet (at least it looked like it – it all happened to fast for me to be sure).

Fuck me. Jackie Chan eat your heart out. No wonder Hogan is so cranky these days. He only wishes he could do something like that.

And so this is what I’ve re-discovered about wrestling. Today’s wrestling has less character, but a whole lot cooler stunts. That and I don’t even know why they bother having a ref in there anymore. I guess to count. Really what I should say is that I don’t know why they bother having rules anymore. At least they used to chastise people for breakingthe rules, or would have to distract the ref. Now the ref just stands there looking dumb, watching the whole thing.

So I leave you with this question, kiddies: What was your favorite high school obsession, and what condition is that obsession in today?

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