I’ve been wearing my bulletproof vest for a couple of weeks now, and I feel like a slim profile Terminator. It’s makes me feel a lot more indestructible. But only wen I think about getting shot in the chest. Hit my femoral artery and I’m still done for.
What’s odd, is that at the same time, I feel even more vulnerable that I did without the vest. It’s the fit, you see. The vest is cut in such a way that it won’t overlap the duty belt when sitting down, so it only comes down to slightly above my belly button. Because of this, it feels like a shirt that’s far too small for me, and it’s a feeling that I just can’t get used to. It’s so odd, in fact, that it makes me all too painfully aware how exposed my stomach is to gunfire. Never matter that without the vest my whole torso is exposed, because it doesn’t feel exposed. I don’t really understand it.
The other thing that’s going to take some time to get used to is the suction. Because the vest fits so tightly, and it’s not exactly breathable, it’s like wearing a wetsuit. When I exhale, I can feel the vest sucking to my chest, and if I inhale in just the right way, I can make funny farting sounds. That amused me for a couple of hours before I got tired of it.
All that aside though, it’s really quite comfortable. And it’s thin. Very thin. About an eighth of an inch. Much better than those bulky ones that make you look like some circus freak. It’ll probably hurt a lot more if I get hit, but I can live with that. It’s all for the sake of fashion. Someday, they’ll have bulletproof material as thin as regular clothing, and it’ll be available to anyone who wants it. Everyone will be walking tall, feeling safe. Of course, I don’t want to be around to see that day, because that world will be a whole lot more dangerous. Bulletproof clothes? It’ll turn people into machines of death and violence. Scary.
Who am I kidding? I’d love it. Because that will be the day of the vigilante. And you know I’m all over that. What do you get when you take a justice seeking crime fighter wannabe and give him the knowledge of volumes of inquisitional and modern torture methods? Well, what you really get is a psycho, but what sounds better is “you get me, baby”
Not that I’m a psycho. Really. It just sounded… never mind. The police are probably already on their way.