Why is it that I want so many fucking expensive things? Maybe I should ask, why is it that so many of the things I want are so fucking expensive.? Maybe, they’re really the same question. I think I have a possible answer. 

I don’t like mediocrity.

The camera that I want, the Olympus Camedia E-20N, is $1999. I was okay at first, because I thought to myself, self, there’s no way in hell you will ever be able to afford that camera. And it’s probably true. I have a hard time seeing myself buying a $2k camera… sort of. But then, I was doing some innocent price searching online, you know, just to see if there was anywhere else that might have it cheaper, and I find this place that is selling them for $1099. How the fuck can they do that? Especially when they’re selling the previous (read, outdated, obsolete, typically unwanted now that there’s a new and better version available) model for $1074. My first thought was that it was an error. Then I realized, with good probability, that it might be a special price, since the camera is the flagship of Olympus’ digital camera collection. At that point I got really depressed, since I’ll probably never see that kind of discount on such a camera again, and there’s no way in world that I can afford a thousand dollar camera. None. I don’t even have a credit card that I can put a thousand dollar camera on.

So what happens earlier today? I decide that I’m tired of paying monthly fees for a gym, when I really only work out at home, or at my friend’s house. Thusly, I decide that instead of paying $30 a month for a gym membership that I don’t use, I could be paying $30 a month for a bunch of gym equipment that I could be buying, and would use (I can understand your skepticism with that, and you should really ask Peachy about the running machine, or whatever it was, that now sits with abandoned pride, collecting dust, neglected, that she has to show for the same train of thought that I now have). I then find out that the bench and rests that I like the best, and which would provide me with the maximum amount of versatility will only cost about $800 – $900 for the set (including weights). Hmmm… if I can’t afford a thousand dollar camera (read: toy), then I also can’t afford a set of weight equipment that will only cause me pain (albeit a good pain, in the long run, but pain nonetheless). Once again, I’ve found the most expensive equipment I can find, and it’s what I want.

So, back to the whole mediocrity thing. I know I’m really critical of myself, and will spend hours making decisions, where really only minutes are required, solely for not wanting to make the incorrect choice. Because it’s not okay to be wrong, you know (if you think it is… you’re wrong). It’s as though by being wrong, I’ve failed myself, and failing myself is simply not acceptable. In my art, I will sit for an hour and nitpick over things that when I leave and go back to it 15 minutes later, I can’t even see a difference anymore. It’s the same issue with things. I buy a pair of shoes, I wonder for the next day if I really made the right choice. Will those shoes really be the best for me? Therefore it stands to reason that unless I pick the top of the line item, anything else will somehow fall short (it won’t beep twice instead of only beeping once to let me know it’s ready, and heaven forbid you only get a flashing light).

I need to do something about that. I have to come to some kind of terms with the fact that it may be okay to not have the absolute best, as long as what you have will get you by.

And having said that… I need to run, because I’m missing Gilmore Girls.

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