The Bout of the Century II: The Final Solution

In a large dark cave lived one called Goblin,

And he enjoyed it, for he was alone.

When one bright day, with a skip-and-a jump,

Came wandering in the one called Gnome.

Gnome liked the cave much, and with a shove of his thumb,

Told goblin he’d best soon be leavin’.

Goblin gave a great sneer, bearing his yellow-brown teeth,

And a very wicked stick started heavin’.

The stick was long, about three feet in length.

It had many razor sharp spines, and iron coated to boot.

Goblin struck at the gnome with all of his strength,

Sending him hurling through the air with a shriek and a hoot.

Goblin launched through the air with a cry oh triumphant,

Preparing to end quickly this fight.

But Gnome rolled over with a smile on his face,

And Goblin’s eyes widened with fright.

For in Gnome’s little hands was a six foot long sword,

The sharp tip just ringing with malice,

And when Goblin then landed he let out a scream

That could be heard from the farthest palace.

For on every true man, there is a certain spot

That is sensitive, and it hit him there.

The sword cleaved on through, and Gnome climbed up on his face,

And started pulling out tufts of Goblin’s hair.

Poor Goblin kept on screaming, there being nothing else to do,

While little Gnome just kept on, and whatnot.

Then from under a rock popped a little pink urchin,

Bearing one honkin’ big slingshot.

Out of the slingshot flew a gigantic spike,

A straight path for Gnome did it take.

It impaled the beast, carrying him 90 feet,

Spewing a trail of blood in his wake.

But Goblin had recovered, and grabbed the little urchin,

Twisting its head off and admiring it a little.

Then he popped it in his mouth like a tart little candy,

Crunchy on the outside, chewy in the middle.

And so the great chase began, Goblin running like mad,

For the destruction of Gnome would he fix.

Though the chase was not much of one, for Goblin had long legs,

And in centimeters, Gnome’s were but six.

But Gnome had more than one trick up his sleeve,

And out of it he pulled a gleaming ballista.

With a great twang was a bolt sent speeding towards Goblin,

Hittin’ him like a whoppin’ huge fista!

The bolt had power, and tore straight through Goblin.

Blood sprayed out in a colorful splendor.

All around lay Goblin’s organs,

Spread out like from a sidewalk vendor.

Gnome walked over, clutching his stomach,

Laughing hysterically at the hideous sight.

But somehow Goblin snatched at Gnome’s neck,

Squeezing with all of his might.

Gnome’s face welled up, turning a bright, bright purple,

His hands grabbing spastically at the air,

And just before his life ran out,

He reached into his pouch, finding his last toy there.

He whipped it out, and held it aloft,

The fabulous toy of some genius creator!

Its aura was nearly exploding with power,


With a last smile of glee, Gnome pushed the gold button,

And for an instant, all was silent at hand.

Then a tremendous flash of light flared out,

Consuming the entirety of the land.

And that is why those neat nuclear weapons

Are really bitchin’ my friend.

For as soon as you touch that magic little button,

We all get fucked up in the end!

The End. . .

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