In my head: With Karate I’ll Kick Your Ass – Tenacious D

Once you’ve started down the road to being a weakling, it’s hard to turn around. I used to love working out, in fact I’d go to the gym every day. Not any more. It’s a good month if I work out once. I have motivation now though… in the form of my sister completely humiliating me.

It’s not like I’ve ever had a weight problem. In fact, to me, weight problem means trying to keep enough weight to not be a 150lb stick-boy. I was so happy when I got out of boot camp eleven years ago, because I’d gained twenty pounds of raw muscle. It was a good feeling. And apparently, inspired my sister to do something for herself as well.

Now she’s a physical trainer who looks fitter than Sarah Connor in her bad-ass days. She’s got a six-pack like I did when I was twenty, and she’s twenty-five with one kid. Needless to say, she’s surpassed me, even in my glory days.

So since she has a good idea what she’s talking about, I figured I’d get me some good, free weight training advice, in hopes of getting back on a regime. She gave me some advice all right. It came in the form of “You’ve got over twenty percent body fat. That’s high for a man.”

“So… you’re saying I’m getting fat? That’s not possible, see, I’ve lost weight.”

“Oh yeah? Have you been working out.”

“Uh… no.”

“And your diet?”

“I drink a lot of Coke. And I like Twix bars too. But I eat good stuff… you know, chili, that’s got protein.”

“You know that fat weighs more than muscle, right.”

“Yeah, I heard that.”

“Good. That means that since you’ve lost weight, and you’re not working out, you’re even more fat than you think you are. Fat-ass pussy.”

She didn’t actually say “fat-ass pussy”, but she was thinking it. I could see it in her eyes. And for some reason, this worked. Not in a sense that I now work out more, but in a much more monumental way whereas I’m actually watching what I eat. In case you don’t know, that’s pretty unheard of.

I’ve never, ever, given the first thought to the kind of crap that I consume. I like junk food, fast food, and anything else loaded with carbs and grease. Jack in the Box has a special table set-aside just for me.

And now I’m drinking Diet Coke.

Yeah, you heard me. Diet. And I’m liking it. I’ve been harped on every day for the last two years about my sugar intake, with no effect, and for some reason all it takes is my sister calling my out of shape for me to change my habits. I suppose it helps that Lt. Tank is smack dab in the middle of Weight Watchers mode, so I’m getting to find out just how many calories, carbs, fiber, etc., are in everything we buy.

So why the sudden change? Why should I let my sister dictate my life? That’s a damn good question. I’m sure it has something to do with competition though. If I’m the one who inspired her to get in such good shape, there’s no way I can let myself go to shit at such an early age. Maybe when I’m eighty or so, but thirty? I don’t think so.

Now she’s sent me a great little workout routine, complete with little stick-figure drawings to insure that I’m doing the exercises right. Along with this manual of pain is a bottle of amino acids, with instructions to take half the dose before, and half after the workout. Amino acids? I have never taken these things in my life. But desperate times require desperate measures I guess. Especially since the weather is getting warmer. The relevance of that? I’ll have to start wearing a short sleeve uniform at work soon, and there’s no way I’m going to go out there looking like Gumby when I have to tell people to shut the hell up and get off the property before I send them to jail. It just doesn’t have the same effect as when you’ve got twenty-one inch guns going for you.

Not that I’ve ever had a twenty-one inch bicep, or ever will, but I can always dream.

And on that note, I’m off to make myself a low-fat turkey sandwich.


Wait, what do the amino acids do? And more importantly, can you achieve the same benefits by drinking beer directly after a workout? If not, how about vodka tonics?

Posted by Sundry @ 03/01/03 08:39 AM


You’re asking me what the amino acids do? Like I’m supposed to know that. I just do what I’m told.

But the beer idea… you’re onto something there. You burn lots of calories with a workout, and those calories need to be replaced, so why not beer? Plus, it helps the pain go away. You’re a genius, Sundry! Forget my sister, you’re my new physical trainer. I’m getting started on this right away.

Posted by haze @ 03/01/03 05:16 PM


Last summer I gained 20 pounds that wouldn’t go away. I started meeting with a personal trainer after Thanksgiving last year. My life has kinda changed since then. I (try to) do weight and cardio regularly and eat more protein and less carbs. I put PROTEIN POWDER in my oatmeal, for gawd’s sake. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve gone from 30% body fat to 24%. Also I have been drinking that Michelob Ultra Light Beer, but that’s because I like really really light beers. Like Rolling Rock. Mmmmm.

Posted by peachy keen @ 03/04/03 09:27 AM

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