In my head: Hello Mr. Heartache – Dixie Chicks

So don’t think I’m a freak, I mean, I am a freak, but for other reasons than the reason I don’t want you to think I’m a freak. Anyway, I just happened to stop by my local gun shop, in the kind of way that say a computer geek visits his local CompUSA. Just to look of course. Not like I can afford a new gun right now anyway. And the guy, who even though I’ve purchased 4 different firearms there while he was present – two from him specifically, says to me “anything I can help you with today” in the way that you’d ask just any old Joe off the street (of which there were two in the store at that very time). Not “hey, how are you today” or even “been a while… like five days.” No, nothing like that. Then he proceeds to show me the same things which he’s shown me before. None of which I’m interested in. Now, it could be because my purchases are usually limited to the under $500 range, and I’ll bet that if I were to go in and special order a Kimber Custom with night sights he’s sure as shit remember who I was the next time I went in.

But one of the things he showed me, I’d actually forgotten about. I don’t know how, maybe because it was just so unreal that it took me seeing it not once, but twice before I would accept it. A .32, polymer frame, 8 round clip, roughly the length of my finger. When I say this thing was wallet sized, I’m not kidding. My Palm Pilot is bigger than this thing. The crowning moment is when he proudly points out the lanyard hole in the grip to “carry the thing around your neck”.

Okay, so firstly, not only would I never carry a gun around my neck (can you imagine trying to draw a gun like that in the heat of the moment – “excuse me Mr. killer while I reach down my shirt and… uhm, I seem to be tangled here, can you give me a hand? Yeah, there we go, thanks. Who’s laughing now?!”), but there’s something intrinsically creepy about a gun that looks just like the kind of squirt gun you buy in a Circle K, you know, the tiny ones that cost 75 cents. Except this gun doesn’t squirt water, it’s squirts bullets. And since all you have to do is “load ’em up with Glaser Safety Slugs, and it’ll be just as good as a .45”, you’ve now got a credit card sized death machine. Axl Rose probably carried one of these in the pocket of his tight leather pants, and no one could even tell because the thing is so damn small.

But you know what really gets me. Now that I’ve seen it, and registered it… I want one. So here’s where I go through the Q/A session with myself:

Q – What do you think the kick would be like on that?

A – I don’t know, but if you held a bullet between your fingers, and somehow made it go off, it would probably be close.

Q – Do you think you’d ever carry it?

A – Well, since my preferred concealed carry weapon would be the Glock 27, and I usually don’t even carry that, I’d say maybe… oh… once in my lifetime.

Q – And correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t this little thing cost more than the S&W Sigma40 you want, the one that you WILL take to the range and be able to put thousands of rounds through, whereas with this you could shoot maybe… 10 before it broke?

A – Well, when you put it that way…

Q – And wouldn’t you also much rather put that money toward a new FN-FAL?

A – Well, sure, but…

Q – No further questions, self.

A – Hey, that wasn’t a question!

Q – Donchu disrespeck me, suckah! I’mon kick yo ass!

I was suddenly reminded of my first fight with Tyler.

I guess I don’t need the gun after all.

It looked really neat though.

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