I have so many things to do, and I’m not doing a damn one of them. I think the laziness/I-just-want-to-sit-on-my-ass bug that seems to be prevalent in my circle is rubbing off on me. The one I should be working on most is the one I’m looking forward to the least. It’s a book, with illustrations, that I’m supposed to be writing for a friend’s son. It was my girlfriend’s idea, really. One day she said “Since you draw, and you write, why not actually write a book for Malachai?” I didn’t have any brilliant comebacks to why I shouldn’t, so I kind of got sucked in by default. And I do want to do it… I’m just not feeling motivated to do it right now.
What I did feel motivated to do was watch Starship Troopers again. That movie kicks ass! I could just watch it over and over. Fortunately it’s nothing like the book (the book is good mind you, it just wouldn’t have the re-watchability factor going for it were it to be turned into a movie), so it’s nothing but rompin’ stompin’ killin’ fun, with a bunch of other scenes so cheesy, that you just have to laugh at them. In fact, you can pretty much get away with laughing or cheering through most of the movie.
Immediately after watching the movie, I decided that it had made it’s way into my top 5 favorite sci-fi movies of all time. Upon having that revelation, I then wanted to check my numbers, just to be sure that there weren’t 5 other sci-fi films that I liked better. And it was then that I realized that I really have no idea of all the movies I’ve seen. I quickly listed off 4 other movies to go into the top 5, but it was a hurried decision, and I’m sure there are others out there that I’m forgetting. So what could I do but to give myself another task? That task… to catalog every movie I’ve ever seen.
Looking at that task now, it seems kind of silly. What purpose could that possibly serve? Am I going to go through this list at some point and find something that I thought I hadn’t seen, but then suddenly remember it, even though if I hadn’t seen it on the the list I never would have thought of the movie to think that I hadn’t seen it in the first place, only to discover that I really had, and if it had been mentioned in conversation, or one day I saw it in the video store, I’d remember having seen it just as readily? Now, if I did have such a document, I suppose the second step could be to rate all of the movies on it, and then even go so far as to start writing cheesy reviews of the movies on that list. But you know, who would really give a damn? That’s a lot of work just so I can read my own film reviews of every movie I’ve seen, especially since I already know what I think of the damn movie, so why should I have to read it again?
Maybe I have some dream that people will find my reviews someday, and I’ll become, like, the people’s critic. I’ll be the film reviewer for the little people, for the average moviegoer. I’ll tear apart crap like The English Patient while extolling the simple virtues of Dumb and Dumber. That wouldn’t work though. People would be waaay too confused when they see me give a *1/2 rating to Friday the 13th – Part 4 while only giving Pay it forward a *.
Besides, there are better film critics out there than I, so I’d just end up getting discouraged halfway through the project, and then I’d have wasted all of that time on something I wouldn’t even finish (like so many other endeavors).
Well, now that I’ve talked myself out of that little waste of time, I’ll tie that “discouraged” statement I just made into an entry I wrote a couple of weeks ago, but never posted. It’s nice and whiny, so if you’re in this for something interesting, just leave now, epsecially since I’m not even whining now, I did it 2 weeks ago, and was too damn lazy to put it up. But I figure I went through the effort to write it in the first place, so I must’ve had some reason to get it out – and since this is all about my growth and development of inner beauty, I’m going to put it up now so that I don’t lose it, and have to re-write it in some future drunken haze (which is pretty much what I was in when I wrote it in the first place.
I feel I should inform you, dear lone reader, that this post will probably be neither terribly witty nor exciting. If you’ve come in hopes of adventure, intrigue, or other entertainment, you may want to look elsewhere.
I was hanging out on one of the graphics forums that I frequent, and someone had a post about how they were happy with how far he’d come artistically within the last couple of years. He’d had some bad experiences, and stopped being an “artist” until someone turned him around and made him realize that he’d been given a “gift” with his artistic abilities, and the world would be a better place should he continue in his art.
It sounds much more cheesy coming from my hands than it did from his. I think I’ve managed to capture the worst spirit of what he was trying to say. But that’s okay, you’ll just have to take my word for it that it was better. And I could relate. That’s what’s important.
Now, I’m a cynical batard by nature, but as I’ve mentioned before in these damnable logs, I have that other side to me as well. And so I was going to write a reply to his post, but then realized that not only was that forum not the place for such a post, but also that the post would have been about me, when it shouldn’t have been. So, since I have this perfect outlet for such drivel right here, I’m going to use it. Here was what my post almost was:
Ed, I can understand where you’re coming from. And I can relate though my experiences may be a little different than your’s. I’ve always been the guy who likes to do art, and happens to have at least one friend who’s a lot better. Same with acting, writing, etc.
As a result I’ve often felt like the underdog among some of my peers, and have given up several times in many of my artistic endeavors – some kind of “if you’re not the best, why bother” complex. And since I’m also exceptionally critical of myself, it’s sometimes been hard to see the fact that I actually do have talent. I sometimes have to remind myself over and over that even though I’m not the best (by a long shot), people have shown a positive response to my work, and so to give up would be the real tragedy as much for myself as for any other reason.
Yeah. What can I say? Cheesy. But hey, he got me thinking. All that stuff is true, and I am happy that now I can actually take constructive criticism and utilize it for the better rather than just seeing it as a failure on my part. You see, I’m not really the kind of guy who gets inspired by looking at the good stuff he’s done and proudly saying “that is what I’m capable of” (well, I do sometimes). Rather, I’m the kind of guy who focuses on all the fucked up things that I’ve done, feels really bad about doing them, and tries to figure out some way to not make the same mistake again. If you’re looking for details of said things, I’m afraid you’re not going to get them. Those gems are staying in my head for the time being.